Boy, it’s been a while! I haven’t done one of these in almost a year. A lot has changed. I’m no longer in Colorado. Me and my partner broke up and I moved back to Buffalo NY. A big part of why I chose to move back was money, but money was made even more of an issue because Contender closed. Just over a year in and they closed. It was a great ride and honestly, I think that might have been the most content I’ve been so far. I miss it. So in the span of a few months, I lost my relationship, my job, and I lost my community. I love the Colorado scene and miss them so much. I had an awesome final tourney there and got to say goodbye to many of my friends but I hope it’s not forever.
I got another job literally right after breaking up with my partner and before moving back home. It’s with a tournament platform called Tussly. It’s remote, so I can do it from anywhere which was very convenient. I’ve been loving working with them. It’s all about reaching out to people like myself, TOs. It’s work that plays to my strengths so I’m really enjoying it.
So why do another one of these? Well, I’m having some trouble understanding where I’m at with Smash. I’m enjoying being in more of a leadership role in Smash but I recently experienced some decent success as a competitor here in Buffalo. I was consistently getting top 8’s and have been able to beat a few people who gave me trouble when I first played them. That success has slowed down recently. I missed a few top 8’s and I’ve been struggling with people I haven’t before. I just feel like I’ve taken a step back. I think there are some easy explanations. I’m an experienced Palutena player and there weren’t any in Buffalo and that initially carried me, but now people are used to me. She’s not a super complicated character, so she’s pretty easy to get used to. I’ve also been extremely busy and emotionally volatile (obviously), so I’ve not been playing with the same mindset practice week to week.
I think the thing that really sucks is that this happens a lot. I’ve always operated like this. I go from really motivated, to finding some success, to a dip. I get complacent while also developing expectations that aren’t realistic if I’m not trying as hard as I was when obtaining success. I also think a hard thing for me to balance is caring about my results vs the amount of effort I’m willing to put in. I think a lot of people can find success by simply caring so much that they win. I think that’s why some people who objectively know very little about the game can beat someone who has a lot of knowledge about the game. I think there are also people who are carried by knowledge. My passion is low, but my knowledge is high. Knowledge can overwhelm people of lower levels, but I find this style is more prone to being overwhelmed by more passionate players who know enough to express their passion and drive to win. I think this dynamic is illustrated at the top level by Dabuz and Wadi the best. I can’t come up with someone other than Wadi atm, so let’s roll with it, my bad.
Wadi didn’t own the game and was on the PGRU in the second season of Ultimate. He wasn’t at home labbing or even practicing. He got all his practice at events and succeeded on raw skill and passion. Dabuz is like, the knowledge king. He’s got the Galaxy brain. Dabuz and Wadi might have been separated by around 15 spots on the PGRU if I had to guess. Impressive for both of them and they got there in vastly different ways.
So what are my goals? What do I want? Who is ICYoyo? I don’t know. I want to be good at Smash and I’ve shown I’m probably above average at a local level. Do I want to accomplish more? I think so. Do I want to put in the work though? I don’t know. I think my goals are shifting as my skill shifts, but I also think that might just be me shifting them as a defense mechanism. I say I’m alright with failure. I say I’m alright with underperforming, but I also feel as if I set a comfortable little box for myself that aligns roughly with what I think I’m capable of. I think it makes me consistent which I am for sure, but it also hurts more when I’m not consistent.
I wonder if this is a settled way of thinking for me that would take a large deviation in my thought process to change. It might even be painful. It might help to shift my perception of what I’m capable of, but I also think it opens me up to being more vulnerable emotionally. If I’m not expecting to lose and I open myself up to the possibility of winning, I also face having to deal with a loss that could have been a win. Failing. I can fail. I can be a failure. I think I’m on to something because that was hard to type. I fear failing. I fear being a failure.
I’ve been lucky. I had a very easy childhood. I never failed a class before college, and school came pretty easy to me, even in college. I think I’m not used to failing, and when I lose in Smash I excuse it with “Well I was supposed to lose”. Even when someone starts to overtake me in skill, I justify it by saying “They’re better than me now” which isn’t even wrong, but I shouldn’t be so passive about it. Believing I’m capable of anything from winning the event to going 0-2, opens me up to a level of vulnerability. It’s all on me. I think you can easily tangle your self-worth with that as well which is scary, but probably necessary and unavoidable. I also put my results off on others and detach them from myself. It’s hard for me to accept that my success and failure are all on me. I won’t lie, this feels deep. I feel like I’m really starting to understand some deep-held beliefs of mine. This is also my third go over this piece, so I need to now change a lot and I’m pissed, but this is the content you get here. Raw and from the core.
I find that I match the level of play around me and make myself occupy a level I am comfortable seeing myself at, usually above average. If I’m able to raise my skill based on my surroundings, I can raise my skill… period. I can grow. I don’t need to be stuck at the same level forever.
This is complicated and scary for me. I think I’ve had a very unique perspective on competition, and I’m learning its flaws. I think I’m going to try to alter my perspective from now on. I’m going to open myself up. I can beat some of the better players here. Hell, I have, and I’ll continue to try my hardest to do my best. Failure is possible, and I’m allowed to tolerate it as much as I want, but I won’t limit myself. I do want to win. I want to grow. I don’t want to be stagnant.
This series has always been about exploring Smash for myself in a way that can help anyone and this is easily the most self-centered one I’ve ever written. I think it’s unlikely people are struggling with the exact same things I am, so I’ll end with this. If you feel stuck or just want to understand yourself better, take a look at what you want and who you want to be. This applies to Smash, but like many things I’ve covered, these things apply to life too! The better you understand yourself, the more successful and happy you will be, even if it is painful initially.
Thanks for reading people. Since I’m going through a transition period, this series might be updated more often given my inconsistent work. Follow me on Twitter to keep up with what I’m doing! @BernardICYoyo Follow me on Twitch because I’ve been streaming a ton recently! https://www.twitch.tv/icyoyo Pokemon, Overwatch, and Apex mostly, but probably some smash eventually. My weekly is on my channel a lot! Thanks again!
Bernard Lamar Rice 